Sleep and sanity regression

Have you ever felt like a prisoner or a slave to a selfish little monster? Apparently, freedom and motherhood are like parallel lines that never meet and will always have the same distance apart. What a piece of good news! So here is what happened:

During his first 3 months, my baby was doing great; he was sleeping at 10 PM and not waking up until 6 AM to be breastfed quickly and got back to sleep up till 10 AM. All was going smoothly and according to the plan, assuming that I accomplished something impressive by regulating his sleep. I was already planning the next step of putting him in a separated room at 4 months old and retrieving thus my bedroom along with my intimacy. Then sleep regression happened and all my hopes and dreams for a partial freedom faded away, leaving me in a cruel nightmare.

For those who are not acquainted with the term ‘sleep regression’; here is a simple definition: it’s when a baby suddenly decides to wake up several times at night and won’t get back to sleep without a fight. So charming!

At first my baby started to wake up every 4 hours. I was so angry at him: ‘seriously, just 4 hours of continuous sleep? That is unacceptable!’

Then he resolved to gradually take it to the next level; he was waking up every 3 hours, 2 hours, 1 hour, 45 min and finally every 20 to 30 min. my sanity was at stake and I felt like losing my mind.

It wasn’t just the constant night waking that was exhausting, but also staying wide awake with him for up to 3 hours in a row at the middle of the night without an apparent reason. Furthermore, he would stick to my breast and refused to let it go until he made sure I was dead inside and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was a quite a struggle and my husband would have mistaken me for a walking green zombie.

The real frustration I had at the time was whether or not I am doing the right thing. Should I respond to his cries? Should I leave him cry his heart out until he learns how to sleep alone? Should I throw myself from the window or would it be better if I just hang myself with a rope? Hard to know what was the most efficient solution!

I tried all tips, tricks and strategies suggested by multiple doctors, but none of them seemed to work. My baby would cry for hours unless I took him into my arms and breastfed him all the night long. I gave up all hopes for an alternative and I thought I was doomed for the rest of my miserable life.  

The struggle along side with the depression persisted until the day when he turned 1 year old. That night and after the long usual battle to make him asleep, Mister got up right after putting him down in his crib! I remember crying while trying to put him back to sleep over and over again, but in vain. ‘Now I’m not even authorized to have the luxury of 20 min nap! What am I going to do?’

Extremely drained out of my energy, I put him down beside me hoping to relax a bit to get ready for the next round. To my great surprise, he rolled and clinged to me, and in the next 10 minutes, he was already dreaming soundly like a little angel. I had absolutely no idea of what just happened.  

In the next two months, his breastfeeding diminished considerably until it was no more, and his sleep got better gradually until it was perfect. What was the secret trick? Well it couldn’t be more obvious: sleeping right next to me with no borders between us. Which made me wonder if my life wouldn’t be much easier if I did this from the start instead of going through hell on my own will, and trying to be civilized by putting him in his own separated bed.

Lot of parents struggle with this issue of  baby’s sleep, and got confused and lost as to what the right thing to do, especially with the huge amount of information and recommendations about this specific topic. It’s not easy and it’s challenging to know for sure what is best for you and your child. But I think we should reconcile with ourselves and know that it’s OK to make mistakes, particularly as new moms and dads. 

I don’t know if sleep regression was a thing long time ago, or is it a consequence of the modern lifestyle that everybody is obsessed with, like leaving the baby to sleep alone in order to make it a habit. All psychologists agree that parents must satisfy all their baby’s basic needs and that includes physical contact like cuddling and rocking especially during his first year. This stage is about the emotional development; therefore if we respond to all his cries with care and love, he would make satisfying emotional relationships in the future. Moreover, he would develop a good sense of basic trust and optimism about himself and his world.

Keeping your baby real close to you until he get enough of you is the ideal. But since it’s really hard sometimes to keep on such behavior chiefly in the midst of the holy mess we’re going through; I believe that patience is the golden key to get us out of it. Just keep this in mind: it’s a temporary phase and all will be soon over. However the parallel lines rule would still be relevant, so don’t you dare dream of a total freedom, and thank God for what has been left of your sanity ;).

Salma Ri